So I’m thinking lately about the kind of parent I am/have been/will be.  Not necessarily in the mushy emotional way you might expect, but in a more pragmatic sense. As a parent, I think part of the reason I have not fallen into a state of self-loathing is because I’ve never really lost that part of me that really doesn’t like other peoples’ children. I still generally find most people’s children highly annoying…and I fully recognize that annoying children are generally a symptom of a disease I like to call “annoying parents”.

So, while I find that I can tolerate (and sometimes enjoy) the children of some of my closest and oldest friends…I find that most children are the obnoxious little pests that their parents have groomed them to be. I’m quite surprised by the fact that I have lost my tolerance for certain people whom I once felt quite fond of simply because of the kind of parent they are.

So my own parenting philosophy has evolved out of a desire to “put cool people into the world”. The goal of creating a “cool person” to set forth into the world seems like a worthy purpose. One might argue that is the whole point of parenthood but I think the whole “children as accessories” movement (which many of we the 20 something to 30 something crowd were born under) is still going strong amongst many of my peers. I make a concerted effort not to view my ability to produce a child as equivalent to my ability to purchase a plasma TV, but to create an interesting, humble, smart, and giving person…who will hopefully go off an create her own interesting, humble, smart, and giving little people.

I guess my point of this rant is that I’ve found an interesting sense of purpose in being someone’s dad. I imagine that it’s something my father never took the time to think about…and I imagine that it’s something few young parents ever think about because if you ask most people why they wanted/want children…once you wade through the fluffy bullshit answers about it being “the right time” or “something I’ve always wanted to do” (like skydiving or travelling to Peru?)…eventually you get to the core reason which is a selfish desire to obtain a child, much like the desire to own a large home, or a Lexus, or an iPhone, or an in-ground pool…at the core, I believe that most people have children because their friends and neighbors are doing it. Ask yourself…Why did my parents want to have children? I think the real answer will most often leave you feeling sad and empty.

So once most people have their child, that’s when that whole sense of “responsibility” sets in, but don’t get that sense of “responsibility” confused with the true desire to cultivate an amazing person…most often that sense of “responsibility” can be equated to the need to mow the lawn of that big house they’ve obtained, or keep cleaning that in-ground pool, or getting oil changes on that Lexus, or charging that iPhone when the battery runs low. I think this is the way most people treat parenting…like maintenance. They need to make sure their kid is fed, clothed, sheltered…teach them basic manners, rules, and norms so they don’t embarrass you in public. I don’t, however, think that most parents actually are conscious when it comes to raising their kids to become smart, thoughtful, humble, kind, honest, well adjusted people.

So my goal, however daunting as it may be is to be a conscious parent. To realize that the real sense of responsibility comes from a desire to make sure that the world is populated with good people and that your little person becomes one of those good people who add something to the world, who have something to offer…because good people beget more good people. So one year in I’ve developed this very lofty philosophy…perhaps it sound pretentious but I think if everyone strived for this, I would like the world a little bit more. There would be more to like.

I joined B4M on November 16, 2005 as prompted by AndrewK who informed me that Tim had launched his own blogging site. I thought to myself..."well I don't know Tim all that well, but hey...he's a SWHS class of '98 alum, and a Quinnipiac University alum...so we've got that in common...I'll check it out"...

At the time I had no idea that I would log into this site at least 3-5 times a week for the next 2 years. So for a little while there I got discouraged when this place was deluged with high school spanish students and other ruffians of various natures...but here I am, 2 years later...I am still here.

I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but I think that B4M 2.0 has helped to bring back that same feeling that the original core group had when we all started blogging here...it's as close to old times on B4M that it ever will be.

So a lot has changed in 2 years...then...I was at a job I hated, in a town I hated, and feeling generally lost and angst-ridden about how damn bored and unfulfilled I was. Now...we'll I've been married for over 3 years, I have a 6 month old daughter, I'm living in a town that I love (although I never thought I would love this town), and I have a job (3 of them actually) that I love.

So...I deleted almost all of my old blogs!

Why?

Because, I feel like I need to start fresh here...I want to try to write something substantive like I did when I first started on B4M...I want to avoid the whiney self-effacing bullshit blogs that seemed to spew from my keyboard for the last two years.

So in a way...I'm back...but I suppose I never really left...but what's the point of lurking around only occasionally adding a snarky comment here an there...I'd like to think I have something to say...I guess we'll see.

It seems as I get older it becomes harder and harder to stay connected with old friends and even hard to forge any new connections with any potential new friends. Maybe it's the fact that I'm married, and perhaps some people just think Lisa and I are all caught up in some sort of wedded bliss with no room for others...but that's just not true. Lisa and I spend nearly every free moment with eachother, and we really do like to share our time with others. Today we had an old friend over, and he was pretty down on himself because he thinks he's gonna get laid-off soon and he's not sure what to do. So we took him out to dinner and gave him a few beers and hopefully helped him to forget about his crappy situation for at least a couple of hours. Even though we spent our Sunday with just about the most depressed and unenthusiastic person we know, we were just happy to have another person in our presence.

Don't get me wrong, Lisa and I love eachother quite intensely and we certainly like spending time together, just us, but it can be very isolating when people seem disinterested because they perceive that we are somehow instantly boring now that we are married.

I remember when I was in my late teens and early twenties I felt like I could walk into Denny's or any other Diner and see at least 3 people I could call my friends. I remember there were people's houses that I was welcome to walk into any time. I remember my phone used to ring on a daily basis and I could expect the voice of a close friend on the other end...sometimes asking me for advice, sometimes giving me advice, sometimes just to shoot the shit, sometimes to ask if I wanted to come hang out...none of this happens anymore. Hanging out with friends now has to be scheduled around work or school or their freaking kids or significant others...people who used to live within a 6 mile radius of eachother are now scattered across the state, the region...the country.

I suppose all of this is part of growing up...being an active member of the "real world"...but it truely sucks at times to feel a void where there once was this great connection. Sometimes I look at people who are still living up where we went to high school, and I'm kind of envious. And that's pretty fucking weird because the whole time I was living there I couldn't wait to get the hell out...and now that I'm gone, I wish I was back.

I guess I'm just missing my younger days when people weren't all fractured and busy and coupled and working. Is this what happens when you get old? You get to busy for friends?